Dad

I lost my Dad yesterday, early morning, to pancreatic cancer. He only knew for four months. He had just gotten married 6 months ago. He was so happy these last six months, then this. He is gone. I wish I could push fast forward and he be in his 80"s-90"s instead of his late 40's. This just isn't fair. I need my daddy, what am I going to do without him? Who cares if I am 24, I still need him. I keep catching myself wanting to text him, or send him pictures.. this is soooo hard.

Summer

Well, the girls have been out of school now for three weeks. I'm exhausted of the fighting already. Now I'm sick and just on the verge of a breakdown all at once. I feel like I never get a break from the chaos I call life. It seems as soon as one thing gets better, another gets worse. I can't breath from all the frustration. My Hubby and I have been arguing more, and I know its me. I'm just so tired, frustrated, and just about ready to throw my hands up and quit. Most days I spend just trying not to cry. I'm so lonely, and yet sometimes just feel like I need to get away. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, its just too much right now. I just need to see S not hitting and kicking M. I need R to think before she speaks, even at 8, the girl knows how to hurt feelings. She just doesn't think about things before she says them. On top of that, she's going back to being excruciatingly mouthy. I'm starting to think its just the age, but its still annoying. M is fussy alot of the time. She's to the point where she just wants everything her way and doesn't understand why it can't be. I know its just them being kids, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. Especially, when your already on the verge of a breakdown. Then I read the blogs I follow and think, It could be so much worse. I am mainly just lonely. I only have my Dad out here and it seems that he's just to busy for me most the time. I get it though, I'm 24, and he has his own life. Friends are hard to find for me. I find them, and they usually turn out to be backstabbers. Or just in it for the help and then no longer care. Sometimes I think if I just go get a paying job, then maybe I'd feel better. I really don't want to do that though, not until we have our last baby. Once baby comes and gets to pre-school age, I can get a part time job. But there is no telling when that will be. Hubby says he needs three more dollars an hour before we can even start thinking about trying to have another baby. I bet your reading this thinking, "what the heck is she thinking" I'm thinking, I want my family complete, before I venture off into work. Parenting is work, but it doesn't pay money and it doesn't get me out of the house. Ugh, thats enough complaining for now. I need to go get them out of the water and then puke. I hate being sick :(

Poundering

As I sit here waiting for R and S to get home, I'm watching M play with her My Little Pony doll she got last night. She is just sprouting into the most beautiful, loving little girl. I am seeing less and less of the baby I longed for so long. I love R and S as though they are my own, but nothing is the same as actually having your own. All the milestones I missed with them, I witness with her. S was this age when their daddy and I got together. Now I am able to compare some of their milestones. Like S knew her ABC's song perfectly at this age, and could count to ten. M can not do any of that. I keep trying to teach her the ABC song, but she's just not interested. She'll sing ABCD and stop lol. As for counting, I can get her to ten, but thats with her saying every other number, or saying them along with me. I have recently started trying to get her to tell me how old she is. I always get the same answer, "umm I'm big girl" I also ask her what her name is and I either get "I big girl" or "umm, I dont know" lol. She's a fire cracker. S didn't talk much at this age. She was content sitting off in a corner playing quietly. Although, them teeth were always a problem. S would bite ankles lol. M bites when she's frustrated.. but I think I have almost broke her from that.
R is still giving us a lot of trouble, but hopefully is getting better. Sometimes she stops before she does or says something. I worry about her so much. Monday I call and set up a behavioral appointment with her pediatrician in hopes for a referral to a good child counselor. I also have her teacher writing a note/letter telling what she feels is problematic in R's behavior. I know R will not show her true colors in front of the Dr. She is generally well behaved for people she never sees often. That is why I have brought the teacher into the mix. Hoping her evaluation on R's behavior will help give the Dr. an idea of what we are going through. All I want is for her to have someone she can talk to, that will help her understand how she feels sometimes. I want what is best for her.
S is doing well, but is acting out a bit. I believe its because all the attention R gets when they are here, and all the attention M gets when they are not. I think she may feel as though she is a bit over-looked. Which saddens me. I have decided that from now on, the child acting badly will miss out on the fun, instead of everyone. R is old enough to sit inside while we play out side, and S... well I am not sure I would leave her by herself. Not quit convinced she's ready for that and know M is no where near ready. That doesn't mean they can't miss out though. I think this would really help with S's feelings of being left out. I took her grocery shopping with me last weekend. I generally do the shopping alone for some Mommy time, but decided it would be good Mommy and me time. S had a blast. She talked from the time we got out of the truck, till the time we got home. I think it was a good thing for her. She was able to express how she felt with out R up in her face hollering " thats not true" It was so nice seeing her open up so much. Which makes my thoughts of her feeling left out, even stronger. S is such a sweet girl, but she is upset and takes it out on her sisters who she feels is hogging all the attention. Although, this week she has decided against listening, I feel her behavior towards her sisters improved a little. It means so much to me to be able to find out whats wrong with one of my children and be able to find a fix. S is doing so well in school. Making great grades and excelling in reading. I am so proud of her.
Big M and I are great too. I think our marriage just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I love him with everything I have and then some. We still have disagreements like any married couple, but its nothing big. Just "could you please not be snappish with me" or "could you please listen to me for two seconds, so you understand" lol. Oh but I love him even with his flaws. Even when he is being extremely snappish towards me, even when he wont listen to a word I say. I love him even when he makes me so mad, I want to yank all my hair out. One kiss, one hug, one I love you... makes everything so much better. I can endure anything, as long as he is by my side. He makes life worth living. I'm so proud to call him "MY HUSBAND" I feel as long as we have each other, nothing else matters. Just us and our children...



Ok, yeah, not sure where I was going with this.

Good News...

I figured it out fast :) Thankful for Copy and Paste. So, here are some updated photos of my girls. I hope that you all understand, all two of you I mean :)

All three of them are growing like weeds. R is testing in TCAP this week. So far all grades have come back wonderful. She is so bright. If only she could get her attitude under control, she would go far :) R does not seem to be that much into Girl Scouts. I was hoping the more she did, the more she would like it. That just doesn't seem to be the case though. She seems... OK, about it, but not wooo-hooo. I don't know... maybe a sport next time would be better.

S is doing real well in school. Her writing is improving so much, and her reading took a complete flight. She really loves Girl Scouts, enough that I feel confident in saying she will be in it next year too. We have recently discovered that allergies seem to be the issue with her. She was constantly having cold-like symptoms. We put her on an allergy med, and she's done great since.

M is hoping to get to go to school soon. Every morning she asks if she can go too lol. Maybe next year. She has not had the pacifier for two whole months now, and doesn't seem to mind one bit. She has become quit the love-bug and constantly wants to cuddle and read (well, be read too).

All and all the girls are great :)

Starting over

I am starting my blog over. I will not post pictures on here until I have figured out how to protect them. I have a blog I follow, who's pictures are being used by someone who doesn't have permission. If I loose the few followers I do have, so be it. I've had this blog almost two years and have only acquired two followers. I have no problem starting over if it means protecting my children from filth like that. I hope you understand.